Rationally Skeptic

 

It has been 3 years. I'm busy observing these young souls falling in love and crushing each other in the end. Why bother to be in a relationship when you can learn from other people's love story, or better yet, my own story. Every now and then I'm searching for the reason as to why lots of people decided to be in a relationship while they knew their biggest ego clung and took part in it, they should have known that such things would destroy what they have in the first place due to their immature personality.

Whose idea was it saying falling in love actually feels amazing, bah! enough said, it'll only leave you feeling pathetic for needing someone's present, depending on them, you put your mood and emotion in the hand of someone else, you are unable to be sensible since emotion rule your mind, getting attached to them feels painful because you sort of losing yourself in a deep sea wondering around. That's pitiful. You started asking various questions although you already knew the answer, funny because oh what is logic since your feeling comes first, considering you loved them dearly you cannot choose what is best for you, seeing that their happiness matters too, it becomes even more complicated to settle. Them becoming your weakness and sorrow. You can do absolutely nothing when your so-called boyfriend/girlfriend badmood and doesn't make sense at the moment, and you feel distressed at last, wondering what went wrong and whom to be blamed, far worse if you don't find a way out. you feel destroyed for something you don't know. A word if i may add in a reltionship-dictionary: suffering. 

yay, experience talking.

When you are falling in love, you thrusted and offered your soul lightly as if it's nothing just because their words reassured you, it's always the same goddamn line; "it'll be alright" they reassured you as if no one can hurt you now. How is that you forgot the basic knowledge that human is a selfish creature. To be in love means you're standing on the edge of the cliff while your so-called boyfriend/girlfriend holding your hand so you wouldn't fall off, or would you? I mean, don't be so hard on yourself, trusting people whole-heartedly is called naive and simpleminded.

Furthermore, a relationship is a classic way to witness someone gets less interested and less attracted to you. Do you smell something? Oh don't mind, it's just a crying session right after the incident took place. And need i remind you again why a relationship is a game for two? It's not a new phenomenon that human would likely to go for something new because they are going for exploring things, it's natural to feel curious over something you basically have no idea about, oh and to get bored easily.

I have finally got out from my darkest nightmare, moved on from the wrong person which took me at least twenty-four months more or less to completely heal. Ah, freedom. But, everyone started asking me question, why don't you find a boyfriend. I don't find getting a boyfriend is intriguing no more. Why so i can feel miserable for the second time? I'm done wasting my time to fix myself from falling apart and mourn from the feeling of being left out. Apparently sad isn't the only emotion i want to perceive. But to be honest, that question always popped out a little often lately. As if it was a serious problem to be solved. And expectantly my mom stops forcing me into a marriage. it's annoying.

On the other hand, highly occurred, someone find me as an interesting lady which i don't get the reason behind it, they demand for a serious relationship which I'm unable to provide, they ended up asking me w h y. First of all, i know what I'm capable of, they should have been feeling grateful they didn't end up with me b e c a u s e for starter I'm this selfish, immature, insecure, emotionally unstable, and stubborn as my mom always put it. don't get me wrong, I love my mom fondly I wish I could be like the perfect woman she is, besides she is right about the stubborn thing. Moreover, to be frank my dear father has another thought about all the relationship thing, he doesn't like the idea of his daughter getting a boyfriend, as he said that; all men are Ifrit. Although didn't he most likely to be one of the fellowships for the reason that he is a man too? He didn't even let me go out from home if it's not an important thing, let alone getting a boyfriend. Nah, he ain't that strict, but I had to forced and convinced him to let me hang out with my friends. Life is getting on hard mode these days. yay life.

Though I kind of feel a slightly envy when my friends have a boyfriend. It's not a "oh my gosh he is perfect, I wish I was her" nor "they be looking cute, I wish he was mine", it's basically a "how can you do that, feeling secure in the hand of someone else, how do you get rid of the emptiness in your heart, how are you be able to be in a relationship and going through with all the consequences, how did you get fit in that" kind of envy. h o w  d i d  t h a t  h a p p e n. w h y  l e t  y o u r s e l f  f e e l i n g  m i s e r a b l e  f o r  a  t e m p o r a r y  f e e l i n g. 

Am I the odd one because I think like this?