Where Do You See Yourself In Five Years

Within a month I will turn into twenty-four years beautiful lady, I refused to say old. So cut it out. 

I surely was a child before this, wasn't I? The one who used to ask my beloved mommy to buy me a princess magazine every other week in a convenience store while wearing a cute pink dress, daddy's little princess and, oh well, mostly became his nightmare as she manipulates him to buy her a lot of fancy things and yummy food, she was quite demanding i know, she used the privilege of being his favorite child real good, imma give her A for that. She is also the spoiled little sister that always looking for something to fight with her brother in every opportunity, she once forcing her brother to give her his delicious Bakpao and succeed, being a bothersome while her brother playing PlayStation, i missed that activity. She was the girl who loves to fantasize she is a princess and wanted a prince in this life of hers as the role husband, persistently wanted a tall, dark haired, hopelessly romantic, wealthy, smells good, family oriented, kind of man. A girl can dream right?! 

I just hope that silly little girl isn't bawling her eyes out when she sees me in this state right now, because honey there are still no regal fantasy gowns style in the wardrobe, nor grand white mansion surrounded by majestic british short hair and ragdoll in the garden full of roses, and a drop dead gorgeous butler that looks like Henry Cavill with white horse to wake me up every morning. 

My brother said i needed to go to a therapist for stating the last sentence. What a fool.

But rest assured baby girl, you've got a job, savings, kindhearted parents, a hard working boyfriend, has your own bedroom and you decorate it yourself, you bought cool stuffs with your money, continue pursuing your education, working on yourself with softskills & hardskills so you don't get stuck, so at last you get the career you wanted. Sigh, born to be a princess, forced to work and be an independent woman. 

Aight, i'm trying my best, girl. To continue breathing. Unfortunately the government makes us–the citizen wanted to k*ll ourselves this instant for being a WNI lately. They have a superpower to make people feel absolute miserable every second of our existence.

But let's put that aside, I wanted to talk about my personal experience instead of bunch of failures who are in power in the government. Oof i apologize, im just kidding :> (it's true). 

For starter, three years ago when I couldn't even get over how anxious I was, when dark thoughts consumed me alive, every night expectation barging in for breaking apart my conscience, making fun of my emotions. At that exact time, I lowkey felt like a complete useless because even though I managed to graduate on time with GPA of 3.93, that was my lowest point in life by living a nightmare; no job, no rich bank account, no Range Rover, mawmaw didn't love me back, nothing. Literally just an unemployment with Diploma degree and delulu friends, bloody distressing. 

Alexa, how do I upgrade my mental illness to the premium version where it comes with a sense of humor?

You see, ironically, my significant other's friendly mouth be like: "Have you got some news related to a job vacancy or something?" What a question asked to someone whose head was extremely full indeed. Unstable emotion just added me as a close friend

First of all, let's appreciate him for feeding my insecurity with pressure. Just look at the bright side, it makes me want to high five him but using table instead. God why am I so violent in my head?!

My depressed ass be applied every company that opens job vacancies on Jobstreet after that, every day, in the morning and night, after eating and pooping, i be looking as desperate as j0k0wi for building IKN in this poor economic, but gahdam, it hurts me to the existential level. 

Later then to my surprised I got an email from a company that I didn't even remember what role I applied for, they offered my first real job at the age of twenty-one as Personal Assistant with absolute zero experience, in short as a dumbass (?), i give the credit to the company coz they actually have ball to hired a newbie like me duh. Exactly less than a month after graduating, two times of google meet for interview I recalled–because there was covid during that time. And I just know the truth days ago after almost three years being her employee, she said "Your background was fashion design, but you looking for a job as an admin staff out of the blue? That's kinda freak. You are hired" Oddly enough, with that reason I've got the job.

And oh i'll give my boyfriend the credit for being so sweet because he helped me look up for the exact location of my–going to be–work office all the way from his hometown, thank you handsome, I paid you forgiveness. Cough with this I should throw the table away.

When I think I was officially an employment, my heart couldn't help but feel scared and proud. Scared because I have never been working in a company, proud because even though i was scared, i do it scared, i tried moving forward. In the middle of my outgrowth, life made me realized the ugly truth. As for anyone on this planet who is unwilling to step out of their comfort zone will not be able to go anywhere. In order to survive, we must grow to embrace the process, even if the situation is sometimes beyond our control and the outcome may not be as we expected. But oh well, we're mere human beings, which means even small progress is progress. Change is necessary for a better future, what matters is that we learned something new. The process may not always smooth, but to everybody this is also their first life, and every "first" will never be perfect. So have courage and be kind. Look at this miss girl with Harvard degree in philosophy *sarcasm intended*.

Back to the main topic, historically speaking, my dad sent me off to work on my first day until the first one month with motorcycle which he borrowed from his cousin, that moment I realized as to why he disagreed with me working there because eventually we need to go through one whole hour or twenty-four kilometers more or less to finally arrived. And he voluntarily sent me off every day to work despite having to travel nearly ninety kilometers per day for a round trip. I cannot be thankful enough for having such a supportive dad. Gahdam, need to punch a wall to feel manly again.

After long discussion with my family, it comes to a conclusion that we agree to buy a new motorcycle on my behalf, the installment itself up to thirty two months, almost three years, it cost eight hundred thousand rupiah per month and i paid it myself because adulting is a hard activity.

I worked very hard as I was forced to learn how to take good care of another person with my unobservant and ignorant ass. I should have told my boss that I have been suffering from CRS; can't remember shit. I have short term memory for god's sake! It was intensely draining, being forced to adapt with my boss' perfectionism. If i could closely describe my situation, if you perhaps ever watched Anna Hathaway's movie called The Devil Wears Prada then it's safe for me to say it's kinda similar to that. Except instead of running in heels, I was just running out of patience, the only thing i'm wearing is exhaustion, and my boss isn't Miranda Priestly, she's more like Miranda Seriously?! Gahdam, strike three. Gimme medal. 

The first two months were hell, not to mention i messed up a lot, i wonder why she hasn't fired me yet. Every day in the morning I tricked and deceived my own mind into going to work. She was foolish enough to actually obey me. I'm the real mastermind of my own, it's not stupid if it works buds. It lowkey feels like i'm fighting a demon on a daily basis, I don't have a coping mechanism in me since sleep no longer my escape due to almost every night i dreamed about working, I couldn't blur my boss' face in my dream, it comes in 4K HD, CAN YOU IMAGINE. BLUD. 

And finally i present to you, the historical moment where I received my first salary with the exact amount of three million rupiah on January 20th. As poor and depressed as unemployment i was, i didn't even have m-banking and so my first salary was transferred to my kindhearted boyfriend.

For your information, there were only three people in the office room including me, first one is a female coworker which is the previous assistant who's also a designer, the other is a male coworker, a senior designer. Other employee such as office boy and driver didn't work in the same room ykwim, so yes in total there were only 5 employees. The place itself was artsy, full of painting, artwork, smells good, we've got free food for lunch from catering, my boss didn't stay in the same room because apparently she was working mobile, sometimes at starbucks, sometimes across hometown, only God knows where she was all day long, we communicate through google meet and whatsapp.

When i prayed for loads of work so i'll be able to gain a lot of experience, God merely granted my wish without filters it made me stunned to be brutally honest. God YOU ARE THE BEST. I love you so much, thank you. For that reason i have to undergo working out of my comfort zone.

For instance, as someone who dislikes socializing so much in real life because I get anxious easily, my job in general entails coordinating and confirming, it still gives me a heart attack sometimes no lie. Like when I was sent off to the agent driver's place alone to survey the place and interview the candidates all by myself from south tng to jaksel, jakpus, and jaktim in a day. 

I learned google workspace for daily use, company procedures for maintaining client & vendor, how to send email formally, how to input E-faktur. Long story short I learned E-faktur in the workplace where I did my internship & I swear to God I don't want anything to do with taxes anymore after I got out, but here I am, took a course basically studying about taxes, cheers to me for licking my own saliva yay. You know the saying "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not.”, and I happened to learn it the hard way.

My job also required me to input Quotation and other activities related to administration, I handled vehicle taxes, restaurant/hotel/flight reservation, legal documents such as deeds of company, company's bank accounts like Mandiri Cash Management, i downloaded a lot of apps in my phone mostly for her personal use such as OKHOME, Ruparupa, Traveloka, Dekoruma, Lalamove, Gojek, Grab, Tokped, Shopee, providing the documents for annual and monthly tax reports, employee's payroll, catering and their overtime payments, monthly and weekly office operations, monthly and weekly routine expenses of my boss as her personal assistant, and her extremely unique personification that always giving me a hard time, i almost forgot to mention that she urged me to open six different bank account, so i currently have 3 mandiri and 1 mandiri for my personal use, 1 bca, 1 bri, the purpose matter is for operational office and her personal payment methods. Those things i mentioned above mainly happened on a daily basis. 

I ain't trying to be dramatic or exaggerating, but it felt like walking on eggshells coming to work. Especially when she demanded me to finish the annual financial report, leave alone the annual report, i dont even understand accounting. The process left me burnt out, overwhelmed, total depressed. How it ruined my menstruation cycle to once every three months, caused me to lose weight, hair loss, stressed over work due to having no friends to talk to since the previous Personal Assistant had quit, I am the replacement. There was only a senior designer, a male coworker, you know people with an artistic background often living on their own world, and it was difficult for me to strike up a conversation. 

Even hearing the sound of WhatsApp group chat got me feeling fatigued, heart pounding, and suffering from agitation. Well it couldn't be help, the solid reason behind all these because even on weekends I barely have time for myself due to work, not to mention without extra pay. until now.

My mom convinced me to take good care of myself, don't overwork, don't be too hard on myself. I thought she was trying to spoil me, i thought i was just that weak unable to accomplish what my boss wanted, i thought everyone should feel this way when working and i must bear whatever happened, i thought it was just something minor and i try to make it work, yet in fact, i lost myself and passion that year, and my mom saw it before i do. Thus i submitted my resignation letter in spite of remain having a motorcycle installment for 2 years.

Surprisingly my boss didn't like the news i throw at her face. She convinced me to stay, giving me tons of solutions such as looking for a boarding house and having the company pay half of it. Giving me a transport allowance due to the long distance between my house and the office, giving me four bottles of kefir every week to maintain my health. She recruited a new employee for finance and accounting hence I won't have to worry about taxes or payments. And it took another person's mental health because the new employee be feeling as anxious as me over time. The moment i realized i thought i was being exaggerating, i didn't.

I feel grateful, life periodically gets better when the new employee joined in. Her personality can brighten everybody's mood in a matter of seconds, the existence herself was a reassurance today is going to be alright. Funnily, as both of us went through similar pain, it made our friendship substantial. We visited the tax office often not because we understood the assignment but because it was considerably less frustrating than being near our boss at work. Another memorable moment was when we took care of the team for the successful Gnjar-Mhfud president election, this occurred for five excruciating months, regardless the offer from company for two days free trip to Solo by plane and stay in a hotel along with Gnjar-Mhfud team in the end, I was not interested and unable to attend because I needed to prepare for pemilu as a KPPS committee member, which ended at five a.m the following morning. What a life, what an experience. I am fully grateful.

Fun fact, the previous months before new employee for finance were hired, my boss had hired another two associate designers, a mother of one child and a father of two child, an alumnus from prestigious university. Feels great working with them. The fact that the office room is now full of people yet kinda makes me wonder as to why the room remain quiet the whole time unless the finance employee striking a conversation. Must be because their artistic background eh. 

Within the span of two years, I recognized life is not always bitter, I was not who I was two years ago, I made progress, no longer a cry baby crying for a jamet man. cuih. 

Having working there I have got the chance to experience an art exhibition in Hutan Kota Plataran and had dinner at Pidari Lounge, for the first time I ate cow's tongue, ick, it was expensive as hell. The place and restaurant was famous for their rich atmosphere, i can tell. Thank god it was free, my poor wallet just couldnt. 

I also have got the opportunity to enjoy Bandung fresh air after 8 years for visiting vendor's workshop there, although i more likely just sit and stand there like a statue, very useless indeed, at least im glad i met the vendor's two beautiful cats. We also went to Grand Mercure Bandung to eat their famous Sop Buntut before we went home, it really was delightful, I’ve got to enjoy a beautiful sunset on the way back. 

And then I've got to experience Bintaro District Design-simply an event for architecture, graphic design, interior design, product design and other design or creative fields. I met people from different background, went to art workshops, MALIQ & D'Essential's studio, etc.

In March as a closing before the month of Ramadan we went to Gyu-Kaku, i personally rate 10/10. Even the review across internet said this all you can eat restaurant is greatest of all time. And again thank god it was free. 

Also not to forget IKEA, I wouldn't know what IKEA was until my boss commanded me to go there frequently to buy interior for her office. Im personally amazed there is a place like IKEA because its giving me a satisfying display, minimalist, eye catchy, and of course expensive both design and prices. But the cafe is worth trying, especially the ice cream, dark chocolate, fish and chips. 

Same thing goes for Pondok Indah Mall, Uniqlo, Ace Hardware, Informa. I surely had explored a lot of places because of the place where i work. I know so little, yet the world is so much bigger than whats happening inside my head all this time. 

We visited TMII for attending another art exhibition, and lastly Justus as a farewell party for the Senior Designer resignation. But most of the time, we went to Starbucks because apparently she is a big fan of it. 

As you can see, some development could never be easy, and some things could never be the same as they used to be. I have not only grown up, but also survived, though I am still trying to process the reality of life. I will become a twenty four-year-old motherfather. Not funny because whenever I think about that my life flashes before my very eyes, I was so worked up that I couldn't grasp what just happened around me such as half of my school friends were getting married and here I was like "What's the better time to sleep in the morning while at the office", again thanks to my significant other, he never missed reminding me that I'm getting old. Should I slap him instead? Peace indeed never was an option.

And I don't intend to forget that God has been exceptionally kind to me for giving me supportive parents: how my dad always ready to take me to work with my motorcycle when I'm having a breakdown and have lost motivation to work, and how my mom hardly criticized me while I was being a spoiled brat talking about how depressed my situation is, on the contrary she continuously gives me reassurance, she prayed for my bright future, a good spouse, good deeds, a good life, and a good career. How can I give up when my entire world supports me unconditionally like that? Gahdamn. 

Lastly, although there is still no Range Rover, no grand mansion near a lake that mirrors skies of blue or whatsoever, I'm still working on myself, to improve, be better, my hunger to learn more has absorbed me because in this cruel world we live in, we will never be good enough with just who we are. I hope to remember this in the future so that I can make significant progress.

Growing up means you sacrifice a lot of your emotions in order to gain experiences. I thanked God for the opportunity, and I planned not to get stuck here. Cheers to that! :>

Comments

Popular Posts